“Loud music is playing in the next room. I’ve closed myself in a room. I have a knife with me. I’m pressing it against my thigh. Suddenly I’m getting texts from people who care about me.”

I wrote this on Sunday, January 2017 at 2.49pm. I had crashed again, I was wondering when I would go down again, it had been some days after the last episode. At that moment I realized, my ‘happiness’ will always come at a cost. I should live through each moment not knowing when the drowning will begin. I got two more piercings but I’m the only one who knows how much I had missed some kind of physical pain. It begun to hit me whether getting all this tattoos and piercings was my way of self harming. That pain.

They were looking for the knife and I could hear them asking around. I heard them say they don’t know. My door was locked and then I got a text from them, “Don’t cut yourself.”

Too late..