I am love.

I am love. 

It is a ludicrous thing to say but I believe it. All this romantic platonic love I have for people makes me feel good. It satisfies me the way a single relationship cannot. I am not afraid to express my affections to the people close to me. I want to experience moments with different people that I meet randomly and by chance. Making every meet count and them seeing me as an experience. Making them feel something new,giving them something to think about, seeing them let go and be open with me,letting them realize what and who they can be: mad. 

Lone

Every single person is different in their own right. No one person is normal. Each person is mad in one way or another. I accept that I am unique in my own way. I know I am a highly sensitive person, I am creative, I see the good in a person first no matter what, I am fundamentally good, I love unconditionally and I can get crazy. 

I often go against the norm and I see how I get treated for it. Why can’t you be normal for once?! I hear. Being highly sensitive it affects me but over the years I have learnt to get over it,some days it’s easier some days aren’t. 

I do not have the time to keep picking myself up from rejection and or judgement from people who are meant to love me for me,not accept me, but love me for who I am. When I was in hospital my mother told me some women asked her if I was in a cult because of my tattoos and that I need prayers. Then my friends showed up with face piercings and body modifications and tattoos and you could see the nods. 

You can’t chose the family you are born into, but I am going to make my own family. I have a family, I don’t call them friends. I am choosing them. They have chosen me. 

When my mind makes me physically exhausted

It’s been several days whereby my mind has made me physically exhausted. My whole body feels like I have done a 6 mile run and my head feels like concrete. During my research on depression I read that one does get tired because of fighting daily battles no one knows about. Now I am experiencing this fatigue and all I want to do is stay in bed. I do not realise how fast days pass or how long it has been since I took a bath. I have not had a decent meal (I have said this severally…I think).

I went to the beach in the morning and in the middle of my walk my legs did not want to keep moving. My pace slowed down so much and I wondered what the fuck is going on. I reached my usual spot,said hi to my two friends and proceeded to strip down to my underwear (which works as my swimming costume) and settled down to continue my writing. My head was killing me and I started regretting leaving the comfort of my bed. A few hours later I could not take it anymore and I lied down on the bench and took a nap. I woke up later, dressed and dragged my ass back home. All I wanted was my bed and the internet.

Daily battles with the mind is something I cannot explain to anyone. You are constantly trying to find the logical opposite of what you are thinking. At the moment I believe I am a burden to everyone and I do not deserve to be understood. I do not need to put up my depressing posts because nobody cares and I am only seeking attention. I am doing this so that people feel bad for me. I am trying to tell myself I am not doing any of these for anyone but myself because if I don’t write it out I feel worse.I am struggling to be able to keep talking about what I’m going through with my mental illness but this voices that tell me I shouldn’t,make me push away everyone. Everyone has their own life to live,as do I. Nobody needs to keep hearing how I couldn’t stop crying last night for no reason at all.

I have been trying to be honest with myself and letting myself feel this feelings without ignoring them. Yesterday I was watching some videos from a black lesbian youtuber Ari Fitz and one of them was on cheating. From that video I was able to resonate with a few things like how exactly I felt during my relationship this past year. I finally saw this break up as a blessing in disguise. I was not happy in my relationship for a very long time and my friends started to notice and tell me. I felt undesirable, unworthy and lonely. I always wondered if I am polyamorous and if I needed to find someone to love me on a deeper level emotionally while still in the relationship. But I believed I am not the type of person for anyone to choose me.I believed(still do) I was unattractive and I was lucky to even be in a relationship. This felt like a power play that fucked me up inside. So I held on, unfortunately. I was expecting the break up and I just wondered when it would come. I did not want to end things because I believed two people who loved each other can work through things and find ways to be with each other. The break up still broke me as I was at that moment not mentally okay. The last thing that held me together was taken from me,I was feeling betrayed and all this emotions started off the beginning of my suicide attempts.

Right now I am focused in finding who I was 3 years ago. That girl who did not care about being single and was a free spirit. I am alone now. Telling myself I am alone now means a lot of things to me especially in fighting my anxiety. This might only make sense to me but that’s okay.

I hope to keep finding strength.

 

Another woman

The alcohol had made all of us feel relaxed. We were mellow, happy, legs on the puff. The air was calm and warm filled with the thick scent of smoke, curling in front of our faces, lingering just a bit like a tease. I couldn’t shake the feeling that she was staring at me more than usual. Suddenly she rose from the sofa bed, took one small puff, put the cigarette down and came towards me. I was too calm to move so I looked on. She put both hands on the side of my seat. Her face was close to mine and soon her lips were too.  For a few moments I did not think as she slowly kissed my bottom lip. Without removing her hands from my seat, she turned to look at my wife. She was looking on undisturbed. Then she said, ‘I want to watch.” I chuckled at how simply she said that. She gave a smile that made me realize she was not kidding. Kai was already nuzzling on my neck while I tried to maintain eye contact. It felt so good I wanted to close my eyes. She lifted me up to stand against her but there was a rush to my head. I guess it was the alcohol. I wanted to seat back down but she lifted me such that my legs were wrapped around her waist. I still wasn’t sure what to say about what was happening but I really did not want to think much about it. She walked to the bed which wasn’t far as it was an open space house and put me down. She was on top of me with her hands lifting my white tee and slowly trying to part my legs. My wife came over and sat on the sofa that we have next to the bed having a view from the side. I didn’t know whether to feel shy that she was enjoying or that she was watching. Kai took my face in her hands kissing me with such intensity while pressing her body on me.

She took me up again making me sit on her laps as she kissed and licked my chest. She sucked on my left breast slightly biting my nipple. All thoughts of stopping should have been said right then but then I saw my wife cross her legs and face- palm. I could tell she was aching to join in but didn’t want to. Kai pushed me back on the bed and turned me over, pulling my legs toward her by the thighs. I could feel her wet tongue slowly going up my spine from the waist,up to my neck where she bit. I was too turned on by then and I wanted to touch her too but she pinned me down. Her hand went down to my crotch where she unbuttoned my trouser then pulled them down. Her right hand cupped me between the legs from the back at the same time lifting my ass to her face. I could see my wife. She had her hand between her parted legs. I could imagine how wet she was and the feeling of parting her lips to feel her clit on my finger. Kai parted my pants and I could not muffle the gasp that left my mouth when she touched my clit, sliding down to where I was really wet slowly going inside. I instantly grabbed the sheets as I felt her two fingers go in even more deeply, I wanted to bury my open mouth in the sheets.I could feel her breath on my back. She pulled them out and turned me over laying on me. She kissed me again, going down my neck, chest, navel and I knew where her tongue would be in a few…