I don’t know how to start this post. So I’ll go ahead and say what I’ve been thinking about since my last previous post last night. I don’t like how my blog has turned into a negative space where I put what im going through. At the same time I do not have any other space where I can comfortably put up and share my not so positive experiences because I believe in sharing. Sharing stories and not being afraid to tell what is going on with you. No one is alone. No one goes through shit alone and I know it feels very alone while at it but I know I am relatable.
I am on autopilot. Watching movie after movie after YouTube video to distract myself from what is happening. I can’t let myself think. I don’t want to cry any more. I’m tired. My eyes are sore.
My friends have been in contact but I don’t want to talk. There’s nothing more to say. I have nothing left to fight for and my life is one of them. This feeling in my heart that it’s all done and the battle is lost..

Then again,with mental illness,theres the guilt that comes of feeling like there are those doing worse than you. There really are. And you make yourself feel more insignificant. The guilt is with me so I’m watching CNN and being updated on the battle for Mosul.

I tried asking for permission to go back to the place I made home for a book launch of some of my artworks. My father asked,”Where will you stay?” I answered at my place and he replied there’s no more place,all my things were taken to my childhood home. I could feel tears threatening…no,not threatening but just strolling out like they were waiting,like they knew this moment was going to happen. I expected to be told no but I didn’t expect to be told I dont have a place that I called my own anymore. Apparently this happened days ago and nobody told me. No one is telling me anything.
I’m crying because I don’t know how much more loss I can take. I lost the family I thought I was building, I lost my independence, I lost my fight with Bipolar and now I’ve lost the home I was trying to build for myself. Imagining how much the word Home means to me,how far and how long it took me to feel at home. All that is gone. Everything is gone. It feels like years of finding myself,building friendships, doing what I love (art) has all come to an end.
I can’t take this loss.