I am love.
It is a ludicrous thing to say but I believe it. All this romantic platonic love I have for people makes me feel good. It satisfies me the way a single relationship cannot. I am not afraid to express my affections to the people close to me. I want to experience moments with different people that I meet randomly and by chance. Making every meet count and them seeing me as an experience. Making them feel something new,giving them something to think about, seeing them let go and be open with me,letting them realize what and who they can be: mad.
Every single person is different in their own right. No one person is normal. Each person is mad in one way or another. I accept that I am unique in my own way. I know I am a highly sensitive person, I am creative, I see the good in a person first no matter what, I am fundamentally good, I love unconditionally and I can get crazy.
I often go against the norm and I see how I get treated for it. Why can’t you be normal for once?! I hear. Being highly sensitive it affects me but over the years I have learnt to get over it,some days it’s easier some days aren’t.
I do not have the time to keep picking myself up from rejection and or judgement from people who are meant to love me for me,not accept me, but love me for who I am. When I was in hospital my mother told me some women asked her if I was in a cult because of my tattoos and that I need prayers. Then my friends showed up with face piercings and body modifications and tattoos and you could see the nods.
You can’t chose the family you are born into, but I am going to make my own family. I have a family, I don’t call them friends. I am choosing them. They have chosen me.
I cannot say you can’t hurt me, you can. I’m just numb and have been for awhile. I can’t develop feelings with anyone I like anymore. Each time I get hurt a harder layer of wall forms around me. It feels more of a coldness, a void that I sink into deeper and deeper. Like I’m floating in this void, suspended in it and alone. Someone told me the other day they are afraid they will hurt me. I literally laughed knowing how that is not new and I said it is fine. I’m nowhere emotionally close to feeling normal and any jolt is welcomed. Actually no, no more jolts. Let me float in this suspension. Today morning someone in my life held me for awhile while I was asleep before waking up and going to make breakfast. That was sweet.