Quick woman to woman sex talk

I have been thinking of writing on this for awhile now ever since I faked two orgasms. I am saddened that I boosted her ego that she thought she made me climax. Twice. She probably has this smile or smirk on her face when she thinks of me. I am more saddened of the women who have been in her life. Is that what they have gone through? How many women are going through unsatisfactory sex and think that is what it should be like? There is probably a lot going on behind closed doors and people do not know how to express themselves or have the courage to. I am not a sex guru nor do I intend to be. I just want to talk about sex.

People still lick the clitoris the way a cat licks its coat. Yes I said it. I think once you are down there your inner exploration needs to perk up. I hope you have tasted yourself before tasting another person or I don’t know, maybe another person will be your first time. A friend of mine told me she told her partner that she has to have known her taste first before going down on another and I guess there is a point to it. I haven’t thought much about it. Just don’t go all kitty on the pussy. Touch here, touch there, swipe here, swipe there, one long swipe..I can’t find the right words on what I do when I am down there. Be adventurous, don’t just stick your head between her thighs like you are in that massage table and your head is poking through that space. I don’t like boring head, even eating cereal is more interesting.
Some folks like being licked at the entrance of the vagina and some do not, I am one of the ones who do not because I feel nothing unless the tongue is going inside. And I get the tongue is not long enough. Tease around the labias before going for the clitoris, you will know when she is begging for some clit touch. There are also different types of clitoris as I have noticed from porn and real life. I got lucky when my dream clit was in front of me and I almost did a thank you lord prayer between her legs. Ask how a person likes being licked. This could be before going to bed or wherever you wanna or might end up having sex. I like doing that. Talking before the act what we both like and do not like so that I can avoid the big questions in my head like,”Does she want it this way? I’m I doing the right thing, was that too much does she like her neck being bitten? Do I tickle her or will I be kicked off the bed?”. It also builds up the sexual tension between you two, the looking at each other and undressing each other with your eyes etcetera.
Teasing. Some people like being edged. Don’t do that to me. I could have been about to get an olympics medal for concentration and then you stop when I am about to cum??! You fuckin pleb! Anyway, there are those who like it. I used to do it when I was younger and masturbating and the orgasm was unbelievable. This days not so much, my focus is fucked up.
I like seeing my partner lick off my cum and kissing me afterwards with it, I like that, and licking it off their face too. You know what I mean, if she was adventurous and not eating with a fork and spoon then it will be all around her mouth and damn it is cool for me to see her face wet.

Okay, till next time.

Void

I cannot say you can’t hurt me, you can. I’m just numb and have been for awhile. I can’t develop feelings with anyone I like anymore. Each time I get hurt a harder layer of wall forms around me. It feels more of a coldness, a void that I sink into deeper and deeper. Like I’m floating in this void, suspended in it and alone. Someone told me the other day they are afraid they will hurt me. I literally laughed knowing how that is not new and I said it is fine. I’m nowhere emotionally close to feeling normal and any jolt is welcomed. Actually no, no more jolts. Let me float in this suspension. Today morning someone in my life held me for awhile while I was asleep before waking up and going to make breakfast. That was sweet.

Nauseous. 

I still have moments where everything comes back at once. I struggle to feel it, let myself have this moments where I am emotional and I am agitated and the days where I have managed to block out a pending downward spiral stops and I am knocked down to my knees. I am really fighting to be on my feet every day. I feel like my medication does not allow me to experience my emotions the way I used to. I cannot plummet the way I used to and I somehow like it cause I am now in ‘control’. However it is not control, I never want to imagine I have believed the delusion of being in control. It feels like your body wants to throw up, it reaches your mouth, you taste it but you swallow it back again. Every day. I get punches left, right, center and I am expected to remain okay. Because I am on medication. Trying to get back some parts of my life that I had 5 months ago. It is as if no one realizes how much I lost and just. I don’t know, I just don’t.

I have been going through a shift of my lifestyle, for the better. I have been able to come out of my depressive episode (as seen from a lot of my previous posts) from which I had given up hope about. I never thought it was possible. I accepted I was sick and began medication again and so far it has been good. In the beginning I could feel my mind trying to go back to that dark place and I would close my eyes and beg myself, please don’t please don’t, let me have this moment.

I began running every morning from 7.30am. It is therapeutic especially when listening to the audio of Erykah Badu live at the Jakarta festival 2012 or Dance this mess around by the B-52s. I come back and take a cold shower. Sometimes I fall asleep again cause I used to sleep till 12pm. I’m eating better too, less junk food. My skin is really good, I have not had a break out since December.

I keep thinking when will this ‘feel good’ end, when will I snap again, where will I be this time. I overdosed last month but I was not thinking of suicide, I just wanted to be in the clouds, the stars.

I’m about to get my own place again, my mother cried. She says she has not yet healed from the tragedy that happened last time I was living alone. She understands I have to live my life, she cannot cage me.

I cannot remember where I read about people who died, were already acting in ways a little dissimilar to themselves. They were more loving, they said it a lot, they were caring and touched a lot of lives. They were not aware of this. I’ve also noticed this from the people who died and the testimonies people give when they are gone. I have been acting this way the last couple of months. I have so much love and feelings for friends and acquaintances that I turn friends, my family members that I didn’t much care about. I find myself telling this group of people I love them, spending time with each one of them and listening to them. I am having some profound and intense moments with my close friends. Being told I have awakened their love of nature again that was lost, how to live each day fully not knowing how tomorrow will be. I get into conversations about life and spirituality  with a friend of a friend at 3am on on a balcony and tells me that star, points at it, will guide me. My medicine touches so many people, affects them and I don’t even know it. He said I have something for people and I have to give it out. I thought he was delusional until he started saying things that hit real close to home. I wish I could stop feeling so much because it is heartbreaking for me. Not everyone knows how to give it back, and it is okay. I’m okay with it. Not everyone has good intentions for you either.

I’m I dying soon?

To the ones who fall too fast

To the ones who fall too fast, too soon because they don’t know any other way.
To the ones who fall in love at first sight, the ones who believe in romance, the ones who get attached to a comforting word, a tender touch or a deep conversation.
To the ones who fight for love and see the best in people.
To the ones who think that everyone will appreciate their love because it’s unlike any other.
To the ones who can’t sleep thinking about people who are not thinking about them.
To the ones who don’t always know what they’re getting themselves into but they take the plunge anyway.
I hate to tell you this because I hate telling this to myself but maybe we need to stop, maybe we need to slow down, maybe we need to park for a little while before we start driving again.
Because we’re only hurting ourselves, we’re only breaking our hearts, we’re only giving our all to people who are giving us nothing. We’re only fooling ourselves when we wait for those who don’t even try.
Maybe you need to take a few steps back instead of taking a huge leap of faith. Maybe you need to stop chasing people and let them chase you instead. Let them find you. Let them choose you. Let them get your attention first instead of giving them yours right away.
Maybe we are just living in the wrong generation because we don’t know how to cage our emotions, how to pretend like we don’t feel but we’re also killing ourselves when we live this way. Things die inside us when we’re always faced with rejection and heartbreak.
We live in a world that doesn’t appreciate people like us, we live in a world that doesn’t understand people like us.
And maybe we shouldn’t change who we are completely, but let’s hide it, let’s keep it for a few special ones who prove they’re worth it, let’s be selective in who we choose to love and who we choose to build up.
Because we keep building up people who destroy us and we keep loving people who don’t love us back.
And maybe we need to stop falling for those who don’t want to catch us, maybe we should wait for those who fall for us first so we can fall together and maybe we should fall only when we know it’s safe, only when we know it’s not going to break us and only when we know that we’re not going to
drown.
Rania Naim from Thought Catalog

I’m so scared of love right now. It’s a beautiful thing, I know. Suddenly I’m just scared. My pms is not helping as well. I miss her. I miss the feeling of her waking up so early, watching me and brushing my hair off my face. I’m just scared.

There’s a way I feel when I come back home. This shadow that descends on me, amorphous, ethereal,but dark. At this moment I can’t visually explain how much my chest hurts. It really hurts. I’m looking at my drugs and thinking of how I’d feel to be out,again. I want to be unconscious until it passes.

I was talking to my mother about art and my life and she told me how she would support through anything I decide to do. I can live with my parents and use my income to progress myself. Somehow that made me think of how my future would be like; will I always be dependent on my parents? Should I just kill myself now, I cannot have such a future. Suddenly I was no longer passively suicidal. I got that feeling of self harming. Maybe I should just listen to music till it passes.

Grateful not to have a penis

You fit quite perfectly next to me. I’m distracted though, my body wants to be intimate. I can almost taste the want. I’m gonna kiss you, maybe it will help me. You are drugged right now and sleeping. But I’m gonna turn you to me, I just want to feel a body rub on my skin. Thank you for responding to this. I’ll let you sleep. Maybe if I touch myself I’ll be able to calm down. It was a slightly long day and someone else turned me on. I’m glad you understand I am a sexual being. Can I share you? Can you share me? Can I see you get undressed by someone else? Can I watch you fuck them? I wanna see how a person looks when they are momentarily out of this world. I think I’m burdened with the need to give love  to people. Me, you, them…do you trust me? My skin is burning for a touch, the sensuality of skin against skin, the feel of a tongue on my finger, the pulse against my lips when I bite your neck, that first feel of the wetness between your legs…your darkness, feed me your darkness, let me see your demons, them and me is all I want. Just for tonight, let them feed from me, let me show them my appreciation for comforting me during my darkest times.

To Myself, After I Was Diagnosed

You still remember the relief you felt when you were told you have Bipolar II. There was a name to how you feel. You called your mother, she was at work and you could tell she was busy so you told her the news and she told you to identify the triggers and the call ended. I’m sorry she did not call you back because she thought you needed the space to research on what your illness entails. I know it hurt you. You told the rest of the family and your father exclaimed and your brother asked if there was a cure. You went back to your apartment and did some more research on what Bipolar II is. It was good to see you find relatable articles that you could share with loved ones so that they could understand. Even though they did not read them.

Days passed,you started feeling overwhelmed. Why is this happening to you? Don’t worry,one day you are going to be at peace with it. You started seeing articles on how relationships do not survive a bipolar partner. Somehow you knew this was going to be a problem but you did not say anything. You told your then partner and she took it well,maybe. All the bookmarked articles that you read night and day overwhelmed you. You were not ready for so much information just yet. You were already feeling depressive and you felt like no one was on your side. You had your partner but you just didn’t want to bother her with how you were feeling. That made you more lonely and it broke your heart.

You went to the bathroom and you looked at yourself in the mirror. I could feel your whole being break and you felt so weak. You started crying, using the sink to support yourself. You went to sit on the bed and I’ve never seen you feel so much in one moment, asking yourself why you are like that and how lonely your life is going to be. The walls felt closer, it felt colder, the darkness so comforting. You fell asleep on the covers that night.

You depended on your partner for support because no one else could understand. I’m sorry you two did not make it. I know it fueled your suicidal intentions, you have never felt as alone, you believed no one will ever love you, you believed so many things and honestly you are going to struggle with them for some time to come. You did not have any more strength and suicide felt like the only way to peace. I’m sorry for the hospitalizations.

You are going to know who your true friends are, who will stick by you, who will try their best by you. You will struggle with when will their patience run out and being a burden. You are going to meet other patients and form friendships in the hospitals. Too bad the ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) is going to make you forget so much from streets to how to make food to where you hid your things and unfortunately some of the friendships you made at the hospital. Well you kept having the ECT after a day and whatever had happened the previous day would be wiped out so new situations kept disappearing from your mind making it hard to have a proper memory. Get ready, memory loss is not fun.

Today,2 months later, you are at peace with your mental illness. You know how to manage it, what to do and what not to. It’s still not easy,but it’s better than before. You have decided to face 2017. You have somehow met someone who is going through shit and for whatever reason the universe has, you two are able to see each other’s darkness and it is going to be the most comforting thing. You are still going to be scared because not many can handle who you truly are.

Keep fighting, even though you are still passively suicidal, take it one day at a time. Only you can protect you.

 

Warning: This is a depressing post.

Since last night I have been rather off.I feel angry. I feel so angry and restless and sad. I found it hard to sleep even while reading or watching more YouTube videos. I’m not eating well and I don’t feel hungry. I’ll take my breakfast at around 10am and drink soda throughout the day. I am angry at my mother I am angry at my brother I am angry with everything. I  have asked my father to wean me off the medicines because they make me feel horrible. I told him I don’t think I can be helped. I hate seeing how helpless he looks after I tell him what I am feeling. Yesterday I went shopping with him and I saw this sisal ropes and I felt my heart beating faster. I checked the prices and refused to admit to myself that I am scared of killing myself but I know I can do it.

Right now I just want those pills I took the last time I attempted suicide. I’m craving a drug that will numb me from everything. I don’t want to wake up again.I’m scarred by the last attempt (literally, I have 4 scars on my hands where I was tied to the bed). This 4 scars always remind me of that night and how far off the edge I had gone.

I have not replied messages from 3 of my friends who are asking me if I am okay. I don’t want to worry anyone anymore. Please allow me to go. Let me go. It’s okay if I am called selfish, I don’t mind. I know I will hurt a lot of people who care for me. I wish I could feel the care and love.

Right now I just want those 60 pills.The feeling is so strong I just had to type it out, maybe it will reduce?  I will not call anyone like I did last time. I want to be alone.I want to do this on my own.

I go through this feelings daily.  I’m still here fighting to see another day even though my mind does not want me too.