To Myself, After I Was Diagnosed

You still remember the relief you felt when you were told you have Bipolar II. There was a name to how you feel. You called your mother, she was at work and you could tell she was busy so you told her the news and she told you to identify the triggers and the call ended. I’m sorry she did not call you back because she thought you needed the space to research on what your illness entails. I know it hurt you. You told the rest of the family and your father exclaimed and your brother asked if there was a cure. You went back to your apartment and did some more research on what Bipolar II is. It was good to see you find relatable articles that you could share with loved ones so that they could understand. Even though they did not read them.

Days passed,you started feeling overwhelmed. Why is this happening to you? Don’t worry,one day you are going to be at peace with it. You started seeing articles on how relationships do not survive a bipolar partner. Somehow you knew this was going to be a problem but you did not say anything. You told your then partner and she took it well,maybe. All the bookmarked articles that you read night and day overwhelmed you. You were not ready for so much information just yet. You were already feeling depressive and you felt like no one was on your side. You had your partner but you just didn’t want to bother her with how you were feeling. That made you more lonely and it broke your heart.

You went to the bathroom and you looked at yourself in the mirror. I could feel your whole being break and you felt so weak. You started crying, using the sink to support yourself. You went to sit on the bed and I’ve never seen you feel so much in one moment, asking yourself why you are like that and how lonely your life is going to be. The walls felt closer, it felt colder, the darkness so comforting. You fell asleep on the covers that night.

You depended on your partner for support because no one else could understand. I’m sorry you two did not make it. I know it fueled your suicidal intentions, you have never felt as alone, you believed no one will ever love you, you believed so many things and honestly you are going to struggle with them for some time to come. You did not have any more strength and suicide felt like the only way to peace. I’m sorry for the hospitalizations.

You are going to know who your true friends are, who will stick by you, who will try their best by you. You will struggle with when will their patience run out and being a burden. You are going to meet other patients and form friendships in the hospitals. Too bad the ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) is going to make you forget so much from streets to how to make food to where you hid your things and unfortunately some of the friendships you made at the hospital. Well you kept having the ECT after a day and whatever had happened the previous day would be wiped out so new situations kept disappearing from your mind making it hard to have a proper memory. Get ready, memory loss is not fun.

Today,2 months later, you are at peace with your mental illness. You know how to manage it, what to do and what not to. It’s still not easy,but it’s better than before. You have decided to face 2017. You have somehow met someone who is going through shit and for whatever reason the universe has, you two are able to see each other’s darkness and it is going to be the most comforting thing. You are still going to be scared because not many can handle who you truly are.

Keep fighting, even though you are still passively suicidal, take it one day at a time. Only you can protect you.

 

When my mind makes me physically exhausted

It’s been several days whereby my mind has made me physically exhausted. My whole body feels like I have done a 6 mile run and my head feels like concrete. During my research on depression I read that one does get tired because of fighting daily battles no one knows about. Now I am experiencing this fatigue and all I want to do is stay in bed. I do not realise how fast days pass or how long it has been since I took a bath. I have not had a decent meal (I have said this severally…I think).

I went to the beach in the morning and in the middle of my walk my legs did not want to keep moving. My pace slowed down so much and I wondered what the fuck is going on. I reached my usual spot,said hi to my two friends and proceeded to strip down to my underwear (which works as my swimming costume) and settled down to continue my writing. My head was killing me and I started regretting leaving the comfort of my bed. A few hours later I could not take it anymore and I lied down on the bench and took a nap. I woke up later, dressed and dragged my ass back home. All I wanted was my bed and the internet.

Daily battles with the mind is something I cannot explain to anyone. You are constantly trying to find the logical opposite of what you are thinking. At the moment I believe I am a burden to everyone and I do not deserve to be understood. I do not need to put up my depressing posts because nobody cares and I am only seeking attention. I am doing this so that people feel bad for me. I am trying to tell myself I am not doing any of these for anyone but myself because if I don’t write it out I feel worse.I am struggling to be able to keep talking about what I’m going through with my mental illness but this voices that tell me I shouldn’t,make me push away everyone. Everyone has their own life to live,as do I. Nobody needs to keep hearing how I couldn’t stop crying last night for no reason at all.

I have been trying to be honest with myself and letting myself feel this feelings without ignoring them. Yesterday I was watching some videos from a black lesbian youtuber Ari Fitz and one of them was on cheating. From that video I was able to resonate with a few things like how exactly I felt during my relationship this past year. I finally saw this break up as a blessing in disguise. I was not happy in my relationship for a very long time and my friends started to notice and tell me. I felt undesirable, unworthy and lonely. I always wondered if I am polyamorous and if I needed to find someone to love me on a deeper level emotionally while still in the relationship. But I believed I am not the type of person for anyone to choose me.I believed(still do) I was unattractive and I was lucky to even be in a relationship. This felt like a power play that fucked me up inside. So I held on, unfortunately. I was expecting the break up and I just wondered when it would come. I did not want to end things because I believed two people who loved each other can work through things and find ways to be with each other. The break up still broke me as I was at that moment not mentally okay. The last thing that held me together was taken from me,I was feeling betrayed and all this emotions started off the beginning of my suicide attempts.

Right now I am focused in finding who I was 3 years ago. That girl who did not care about being single and was a free spirit. I am alone now. Telling myself I am alone now means a lot of things to me especially in fighting my anxiety. This might only make sense to me but that’s okay.

I hope to keep finding strength.

 

Energy

I was watching a YouTube video on Adwoa Aboah,she said something that made sense to me. She said she thinks she was born sad. I think I was born a sad person too and it manifests whenever it wants. I believe my aura is this sci-fi like ball of energy surrounding me and anyone who gets close to me is going to be affected in some way.

I have reasons to believe my energy vibes are quite different from most people. My friend tells me she can feel when my moods change, that my vibes are so strong you can feel them from a distance. Weeks ago when I was at home (it doesn’t feel like home anymore though) my mother came down the stairs and asked me if I was okay. I asked why and tried laughing and smiling. She said she just sensed something had changed and it showed on my face. I normally can’t fake my facial expressions and all the time I don’t know what my face is doing I just have to listen to my energy and I’ll know what my face is showing. I’ve had instances when I’ll get upset and I normally avoid confrontation so I stay silent. You will notice anyone who is around me will get affected and I honestly hate it.

I have become extremely self conscious about my energy. I try to avoid being around people because I don’t know when my energy will change. When I’m in good moods,definitely the people around me are okay and I am able to laugh and connect and make someone laugh and I can feel this lightness around me. Like I should just get a rope and start skipping because I am very happy. I say hi to strangers and make conversation,laugh with them and I wish them a good day.

The reason I am self conscious is because I can’t control my energy and I don’t want to affect anyone. I don’t want to make someone believe I have bad vibes as people say or I want nothing but good vibes around me and I go,” Well I better stay away from you because I don’t want you to read me wrong.” I feel things too much, I read into things unnecessarily, I am overly sensitive and all this plays into my energy. I can’t control it.

Loneliness 2

I felt strong today morning. I had shared my post and I told a friend I loved him. I felt empowered for some reason I can’t quite put a finger on. That feeling is gone now and I feel terribly alone. I want to be held. I want to curl up and let no one see my tears. I want to hug another human and feel another body against mine. Terrifyingly, I am so used to this emotions it feels safer. I don’t know the girl who was racing with her friends on the beach the other day. I don’t know who I am when I am laughing and making my friends laugh. This sadness is what I know now. I was to meet someone today evening but it didn’t happen. I was looking forward to it because I knew I was going to hug someone. This embarrasses me to even admit that. You know people care about you but it doesn’t do anything for you. Somehow I can’t feel it. This loneliness is overwhelming me and I just want it to stop. I need it to stop.

 

Loneliness

(just sat down from dancing to a song. I was crying less than 5 minutes ago while singing Kelly Clarkson’s Cry song. I’m now holding my chest,there’s a sadness that feels tangible that I can’t shake off. I’ve been randomly holding my chest to feel if my heart is okay. Last night it felt like it could burst with a warm satisfaction from watching Alice in Wonderland. Tim Burton is great. The feeling felt like the orgasm I had after masturbating earlier on after a long time. I give myself the best Orgasms.)

I had stopped taking my Bipolar meds for a week because they gave me nausea and I end up sleeping a lot after breakfast. I took them again today after being super elated yesterday and the nausea and sleep are back. I woke up again at lunch time.

I am lonely. I’ve been lonely for a very long time. The feeling comes in waves, sometimes it’s one long wave that continuously breaks my heart. Tangible.
I vividly remember all the times I’ve been in situations where I am asking a friend to stay a bit longer, add a few more minutes…or spend the night,because I can’t bear to be in this four walls again. I remember the times my chest would sink in when a companion had to leave. “Stay a bit longer.” I would say and hope the person can extend their stay. ” I’ll cook for you :)”. The last time i did this my best friend had visited me at my childhood home. She was to stay one night but I begged for one more night.

The feeling like I’m always being left has become an overwhelming…thing I can’t talk to anyone about. “Please stay.” Please.

I think one of the most heartbreaking thing I’ve gone through is the night I had sat in bed and I cried because of who I am. I remember asking myself why me,why I’m I like this. I loudly sobbed and realising that nobody knows what I go through like crying because of who I am. That was pitiful and I hated it.

I’m not sure how to end this post, I’ve been distracted by yet another dancy song.

One more try

I renamed this blog One More Try after being hospitalized for trying to commit suicide and failing. The only regret I have is calling my friends to say goodbye and my best friend arriving too soon to drag me to hospital against my wishes. I fought hard. I was weak,convulsing,my speech was incoherent,I was crying. I had taken 60 sleeping pills and I thought I’d just sleep forever but when I tried to stay in bed I got horrible seizures at one point I bit my tongue. I paced around,stumbling and knocking over things because I couldn’t see properly. I remember realizing that I could actually die and that scared me,but also I looked forward to it. I opened the door for my best friend,which I regret doing. I saw the panic in her eyes and she started crying and calling a taxi. I don’t remember much apart from the way I fought hard but I still got dragged down from the fourth floor to the taxi. The next thing I remember was waking up stark naked,both hands and feet tied to the bed with a gauze and I was being cleaned. That was 2 days later. I was alive.

I’m writing this a few weeks later, I’m living with my dad and I’ve woken up rather low and crying. I’m crying because I know I won’t be around for 2017. I’ve been doing things with a finality to them, like it could be the last thing I could be doing it, or seeing a person and the thought that it could be the last time always popping up.

I’m tired of fighting my mind. I’ve been hospitalized twice,gone through 4 ECT sessions, I’m medicated but I’m still suicidal. I tried telling my father but he begged me to not leave him. I wish that could break my heart but it didn’t.

I’ve been told I’m strong,but I no longer am. The last thing that held me together was a relationship that’s been taken away from me. I can’t fight my mind anymore, I’m too tired.

image

I can’t talk about all this with anyone, I know how it all sounds. I somehow can’t see further from the remaining weeks I have left. I’ve tried. Will I be remembered?

Another woman

The alcohol had made all of us feel relaxed. We were mellow, happy, legs on the puff. The air was calm and warm filled with the thick scent of smoke, curling in front of our faces, lingering just a bit like a tease. I couldn’t shake the feeling that she was staring at me more than usual. Suddenly she rose from the sofa bed, took one small puff, put the cigarette down and came towards me. I was too calm to move so I looked on. She put both hands on the side of my seat. Her face was close to mine and soon her lips were too.  For a few moments I did not think as she slowly kissed my bottom lip. Without removing her hands from my seat, she turned to look at my wife. She was looking on undisturbed. Then she said, ‘I want to watch.” I chuckled at how simply she said that. She gave a smile that made me realize she was not kidding. Kai was already nuzzling on my neck while I tried to maintain eye contact. It felt so good I wanted to close my eyes. She lifted me up to stand against her but there was a rush to my head. I guess it was the alcohol. I wanted to seat back down but she lifted me such that my legs were wrapped around her waist. I still wasn’t sure what to say about what was happening but I really did not want to think much about it. She walked to the bed which wasn’t far as it was an open space house and put me down. She was on top of me with her hands lifting my white tee and slowly trying to part my legs. My wife came over and sat on the sofa that we have next to the bed having a view from the side. I didn’t know whether to feel shy that she was enjoying or that she was watching. Kai took my face in her hands kissing me with such intensity while pressing her body on me.

She took me up again making me sit on her laps as she kissed and licked my chest. She sucked on my left breast slightly biting my nipple. All thoughts of stopping should have been said right then but then I saw my wife cross her legs and face- palm. I could tell she was aching to join in but didn’t want to. Kai pushed me back on the bed and turned me over, pulling my legs toward her by the thighs. I could feel her wet tongue slowly going up my spine from the waist,up to my neck where she bit. I was too turned on by then and I wanted to touch her too but she pinned me down. Her hand went down to my crotch where she unbuttoned my trouser then pulled them down. Her right hand cupped me between the legs from the back at the same time lifting my ass to her face. I could see my wife. She had her hand between her parted legs. I could imagine how wet she was and the feeling of parting her lips to feel her clit on my finger. Kai parted my pants and I could not muffle the gasp that left my mouth when she touched my clit, sliding down to where I was really wet slowly going inside. I instantly grabbed the sheets as I felt her two fingers go in even more deeply, I wanted to bury my open mouth in the sheets.I could feel her breath on my back. She pulled them out and turned me over laying on me. She kissed me again, going down my neck, chest, navel and I knew where her tongue would be in a few…