I have been going through a shift of my lifestyle, for the better. I have been able to come out of my depressive episode (as seen from a lot of my previous posts) from which I had given up hope about. I never thought it was possible. I accepted I was sick and began medication again and so far it has been good. In the beginning I could feel my mind trying to go back to that dark place and I would close my eyes and beg myself, please don’t please don’t, let me have this moment.

I began running every morning from 7.30am. It is therapeutic especially when listening to the audio of Erykah Badu live at the Jakarta festival 2012 or Dance this mess around by the B-52s. I come back and take a cold shower. Sometimes I fall asleep again cause I used to sleep till 12pm. I’m eating better too, less junk food. My skin is really good, I have not had a break out since December.

I keep thinking when will this ‘feel good’ end, when will I snap again, where will I be this time. I overdosed last month but I was not thinking of suicide, I just wanted to be in the clouds, the stars.

I’m about to get my own place again, my mother cried. She says she has not yet healed from the tragedy that happened last time I was living alone. She understands I have to live my life, she cannot cage me.

I cannot remember where I read about people who died, were already acting in ways a little dissimilar to themselves. They were more loving, they said it a lot, they were caring and touched a lot of lives. They were not aware of this. I’ve also noticed this from the people who died and the testimonies people give when they are gone. I have been acting this way the last couple of months. I have so much love and feelings for friends and acquaintances that I turn friends, my family members that I didn’t much care about. I find myself telling this group of people I love them, spending time with each one of them and listening to them. I am having some profound and intense moments with my close friends. Being told I have awakened their love of nature again that was lost, how to live each day fully not knowing how tomorrow will be. I get into conversations about life and spirituality  with a friend of a friend at 3am on on a balcony and tells me that star, points at it, will guide me. My medicine touches so many people, affects them and I don’t even know it. He said I have something for people and I have to give it out. I thought he was delusional until he started saying things that hit real close to home. I wish I could stop feeling so much because it is heartbreaking for me. Not everyone knows how to give it back, and it is okay. I’m okay with it. Not everyone has good intentions for you either.

I’m I dying soon?

One more try

I renamed this blog One More Try after being hospitalized for trying to commit suicide and failing. The only regret I have is calling my friends to say goodbye and my best friend arriving too soon to drag me to hospital against my wishes. I fought hard. I was weak,convulsing,my speech was incoherent,I was crying. I had taken 60 sleeping pills and I thought I’d just sleep forever but when I tried to stay in bed I got horrible seizures at one point I bit my tongue. I paced around,stumbling and knocking over things because I couldn’t see properly. I remember realizing that I could actually die and that scared me,but also I looked forward to it. I opened the door for my best friend,which I regret doing. I saw the panic in her eyes and she started crying and calling a taxi. I don’t remember much apart from the way I fought hard but I still got dragged down from the fourth floor to the taxi. The next thing I remember was waking up stark naked,both hands and feet tied to the bed with a gauze and I was being cleaned. That was 2 days later. I was alive.

I’m writing this a few weeks later, I’m living with my dad and I’ve woken up rather low and crying. I’m crying because I know I won’t be around for 2017. I’ve been doing things with a finality to them, like it could be the last thing I could be doing it, or seeing a person and the thought that it could be the last time always popping up.

I’m tired of fighting my mind. I’ve been hospitalized twice,gone through 4 ECT sessions, I’m medicated but I’m still suicidal. I tried telling my father but he begged me to not leave him. I wish that could break my heart but it didn’t.

I’ve been told I’m strong,but I no longer am. The last thing that held me together was a relationship that’s been taken away from me. I can’t fight my mind anymore, I’m too tired.

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I can’t talk about all this with anyone, I know how it all sounds. I somehow can’t see further from the remaining weeks I have left. I’ve tried. Will I be remembered?