I felt strong today morning. I had shared my post and I told a friend I loved him. I felt empowered for some reason I can’t quite put a finger on. That feeling is gone now and I feel terribly alone. I want to be held. I want to curl up and let no one see my tears. I want to hug another human and feel another body against mine. Terrifyingly, I am so used to this emotions it feels safer. I don’t know the girl who was racing with her friends on the beach the other day. I don’t know who I am when I am laughing and making my friends laugh. This sadness is what I know now. I was to meet someone today evening but it didn’t happen. I was looking forward to it because I knew I was going to hug someone. This embarrasses me to even admit that. You know people care about you but it doesn’t do anything for you. Somehow I can’t feel it. This loneliness is overwhelming me and I just want it to stop. I need it to stop.
(just sat down from dancing to a song. I was crying less than 5 minutes ago while singing Kelly Clarkson’s Cry song. I’m now holding my chest,there’s a sadness that feels tangible that I can’t shake off. I’ve been randomly holding my chest to feel if my heart is okay. Last night it felt like it could burst with a warm satisfaction from watching Alice in Wonderland. Tim Burton is great. The feeling felt like the orgasm I had after masturbating earlier on after a long time. I give myself the best Orgasms.)
I had stopped taking my Bipolar meds for a week because they gave me nausea and I end up sleeping a lot after breakfast. I took them again today after being super elated yesterday and the nausea and sleep are back. I woke up again at lunch time.
I am lonely. I’ve been lonely for a very long time. The feeling comes in waves, sometimes it’s one long wave that continuously breaks my heart. Tangible.
I vividly remember all the times I’ve been in situations where I am asking a friend to stay a bit longer, add a few more minutes…or spend the night,because I can’t bear to be in this four walls again. I remember the times my chest would sink in when a companion had to leave. “Stay a bit longer.” I would say and hope the person can extend their stay. ” I’ll cook for you :)”. The last time i did this my best friend had visited me at my childhood home. She was to stay one night but I begged for one more night.
The feeling like I’m always being left has become an overwhelming…thing I can’t talk to anyone about. “Please stay.” Please.
I think one of the most heartbreaking thing I’ve gone through is the night I had sat in bed and I cried because of who I am. I remember asking myself why me,why I’m I like this. I loudly sobbed and realising that nobody knows what I go through like crying because of who I am. That was pitiful and I hated it.
I’m not sure how to end this post, I’ve been distracted by yet another dancy song.
I renamed this blog One More Try after being hospitalized for trying to commit suicide and failing. The only regret I have is calling my friends to say goodbye and my best friend arriving too soon to drag me to hospital against my wishes. I fought hard. I was weak,convulsing,my speech was incoherent,I was crying. I had taken 60 sleeping pills and I thought I’d just sleep forever but when I tried to stay in bed I got horrible seizures at one point I bit my tongue. I paced around,stumbling and knocking over things because I couldn’t see properly. I remember realizing that I could actually die and that scared me,but also I looked forward to it. I opened the door for my best friend,which I regret doing. I saw the panic in her eyes and she started crying and calling a taxi. I don’t remember much apart from the way I fought hard but I still got dragged down from the fourth floor to the taxi. The next thing I remember was waking up stark naked,both hands and feet tied to the bed with a gauze and I was being cleaned. That was 2 days later. I was alive.
I’m writing this a few weeks later, I’m living with my dad and I’ve woken up rather low and crying. I’m crying because I know I won’t be around for 2017. I’ve been doing things with a finality to them, like it could be the last thing I could be doing it, or seeing a person and the thought that it could be the last time always popping up.
I’m tired of fighting my mind. I’ve been hospitalized twice,gone through 4 ECT sessions, I’m medicated but I’m still suicidal. I tried telling my father but he begged me to not leave him. I wish that could break my heart but it didn’t.
I’ve been told I’m strong,but I no longer am. The last thing that held me together was a relationship that’s been taken away from me. I can’t fight my mind anymore, I’m too tired.
I can’t talk about all this with anyone, I know how it all sounds. I somehow can’t see further from the remaining weeks I have left. I’ve tried. Will I be remembered?