One more try

I renamed this blog One More Try after being hospitalized for trying to commit suicide and failing. The only regret I have is calling my friends to say goodbye and my best friend arriving too soon to drag me to hospital against my wishes. I fought hard. I was weak,convulsing,my speech was incoherent,I was crying. I had taken 60 sleeping pills and I thought I’d just sleep forever but when I tried to stay in bed I got horrible seizures at one point I bit my tongue. I paced around,stumbling and knocking over things because I couldn’t see properly. I remember realizing that I could actually die and that scared me,but also I looked forward to it. I opened the door for my best friend,which I regret doing. I saw the panic in her eyes and she started crying and calling a taxi. I don’t remember much apart from the way I fought hard but I still got dragged down from the fourth floor to the taxi. The next thing I remember was waking up stark naked,both hands and feet tied to the bed with a gauze and I was being cleaned. That was 2 days later. I was alive.

I’m writing this a few weeks later, I’m living with my dad and I’ve woken up rather low and crying. I’m crying because I know I won’t be around for 2017. I’ve been doing things with a finality to them, like it could be the last thing I could be doing it, or seeing a person and the thought that it could be the last time always popping up.

I’m tired of fighting my mind. I’ve been hospitalized twice,gone through 4 ECT sessions, I’m medicated but I’m still suicidal. I tried telling my father but he begged me to not leave him. I wish that could break my heart but it didn’t.

I’ve been told I’m strong,but I no longer am. The last thing that held me together was a relationship that’s been taken away from me. I can’t fight my mind anymore, I’m too tired.

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I can’t talk about all this with anyone, I know how it all sounds. I somehow can’t see further from the remaining weeks I have left. I’ve tried. Will I be remembered?

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2 thoughts on “One more try

  1. This . . . this in itself is strength SS; to open up your thoughts to the world, to show your tattered parts, your wounds . . . this is fucking herculean! And is this strength, SS, that will get you out of those scathing folds of despair. Just keep at it love, keep talking about it. You are loved and wanted short stuff, hugs!

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  2. As cliche as it sounds , things will get better. They will. But you have to stay around to get there. Be tired. Be still. Be broken. And when you’ve reached the point where you can no longer stand that, fight. That’s your moment.

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