I renamed this blog One More Try after being hospitalized for trying to commit suicide and failing. The only regret I have is calling my friends to say goodbye and my best friend arriving too soon to drag me to hospital against my wishes. I fought hard. I was weak,convulsing,my speech was incoherent,I was crying. I had taken 60 sleeping pills and I thought I’d just sleep forever but when I tried to stay in bed I got horrible seizures at one point I bit my tongue. I paced around,stumbling and knocking over things because I couldn’t see properly. I remember realizing that I could actually die and that scared me,but also I looked forward to it. I opened the door for my best friend,which I regret doing. I saw the panic in her eyes and she started crying and calling a taxi. I don’t remember much apart from the way I fought hard but I still got dragged down from the fourth floor to the taxi. The next thing I remember was waking up stark naked,both hands and feet tied to the bed with a gauze and I was being cleaned. That was 2 days later. I was alive.
I’m writing this a few weeks later, I’m living with my dad and I’ve woken up rather low and crying. I’m crying because I know I won’t be around for 2017. I’ve been doing things with a finality to them, like it could be the last thing I could be doing it, or seeing a person and the thought that it could be the last time always popping up.
I’m tired of fighting my mind. I’ve been hospitalized twice,gone through 4 ECT sessions, I’m medicated but I’m still suicidal. I tried telling my father but he begged me to not leave him. I wish that could break my heart but it didn’t.
I’ve been told I’m strong,but I no longer am. The last thing that held me together was a relationship that’s been taken away from me. I can’t fight my mind anymore, I’m too tired.
I can’t talk about all this with anyone, I know how it all sounds. I somehow can’t see further from the remaining weeks I have left. I’ve tried. Will I be remembered?